Since I have written the last four blog entries in how I have struggled with bullying and child molestation; I am going to finish this blog entry with the inner struggles with feelings of inadequacy and depression, and how I have survived the effects of depression.
I have written the first blog entry called “Shredded; How I’ve Struggled With The Effects of Bullying”. I have written how I’ve grown up having to deal with the peers and other people bullying me since I have several disabilities. It was a difficult journey for me to travel.
To add to the stress of my journey; I have also written the three-part series on child molestation and how I’ve struggled with its effects for many years. Not only that I had to deal with people who have been bullying me but also the effects of child molestation.
Then, to further add to the already deadly turn of events, I have began to suffer the effects of inadequacy that has brought on depression.
With the combination of being bullied, being violated, and that feeling of inadequacy, I was a walking time-bomb.
I grew up feeling inadequate when I was told that I was never or not “good” or “____” enough for anything. I have tried to apply for jobs that I have training for and I was denied the chance to be useful at a job all because I was not “normal” enough for them for them. So I trained for another venture and that was computer training and I even tried to apply for those type of jobs, and not one of them want to train or hire me. The feeling inadequacy began to grew further since the bullying and the child molestation.
As I grew older and I became married to Ken. We have tried for many years to have children and we were not able to do so. The option of adoption has come up from time to time and we did not have enough funds to afford the option of adopting a child as our own.
The reason that I was unable to have children naturally were that I have poor health and my biological rhythm are not compatible. Yes, I have gone to several doctors to see about the options and they were of no avail.
So each time I’ve looked at any mothers with children and I have sorely wished I had children that it really breaks my heart. It seems to me that they are taking away the blessings from me. That was how bad I felt inside as I tried my best to rejoice with them in their children’s accomplishments. It was very difficult for me because of the inner-struggles within me. I would have loved the children if they were my own, and I have had wished to conceive and carry a child to term.
All those inner-struggles and the battles that I had to deal with, they were catching up to me. I began to exhibit the signs of depression a few years ago when a friend has come to stay with us till he gets his disability benefits. He has made a comment that has pushed a dagger into my heart. “You will never know what it is like to love my kids”… That feeling of inadequacy grew even further and that lack of self-worth grew out-of-control and I’ve become emotional and angry.
Soon after he’d made that devastating remark, I sank into depression and I began to have suicidal thoughts. He’d since left for Ohio and I begin my downward spiral of depression and mental anguish.
One day, I have snapped and had decided that I would just stop my medication, walk out of that door, and never to come back. Then, I would just pick up a pay phone and call that person and ask him, “Find me if you really cared if I die!” before I hang up and wait to die.
There is one medication that I have to survive on and it is a thyroid medicine that controls not only my metabolism but also my heart rhythm.
So I had enough presence of mind to call Ken who is my husband. He got home as he got off from work to get me to a doctor’s office. The doctor had decided that I needed psychiatric help immediately so we went to the hospital.
So I was diagnosed with Major Depression in 2008. That led me to recover from the broken pieces of my life and learning to love myself all over again. It is a very difficult up-hill battle having to undo the damages caused by bullying, child molestation and inadequacy.
Even now; I am still struggling with the effects of depression as there are many triggers around that can cause me to turn against myself such as bullying, other children being hurt by pedophiles, and mothers with their children along with people who have accomplished many goals for themselves. I see and hear them every single day whether it’s on television, movies, in the news, or on social networks like Facebook or Twitter.
Even to this day; I struggle daily even with the help of the medication and the many therapy sessions that I have gone through. Those triggers are still there to temp me to destroy myself. But I will not give in to such temptation to hurt myself.
So now I am writing this last blog entry in the five-blog-entries series of how I have struggled with the effets of the different situations. I am writing in an effort to encourage anyone to reach out and seek out help if they are suffering from depression. It is a very common malady that affects anyone of all walks of life, both male and female and young and old alike. No one has to suffer in silence. The silence can be broken by reaching out and seeking help by calling the mental health hotline numbers in your phone book. They are easily available to those who are having or showing signs of depression or any kind of mental illness. It is not to late.
There is hope in getting the proper help that one needs. With proper treatment and being able to understand the illness and who you are; you can recover and rise above all whatever has come at you. Anyone can survive and LIVE!
I still have a bit of a way to go and I am living because I can conquer this malady.
Now this concludes the fifth and last installment of the five-blog-entries series on how I have gone oa a perilous journey of bullying, child molestation, and depression that has been brought on by inadequacy, and getting the help in recovering from the devastating malady that can affect anyone of all walks of life whether they are young, old, male, female, poor and rich alike. No one is immune to sadness and anger, but they can all recover from them by getting the proper help they need.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and all the previous blog entries that relates to this blog entry. I really do appreciate the time that you have taken to read them and to learn to honor life rather than flaunt it. Again I thank you.
Here are some of the symptoms that can bring on depression;
Anger for no reason.
Too much sleep or lack thereof (or any forms of sleep disturbances).
Crying for no reason.
Feeling of inadequacy.
Loneliness.
Thoughts of suicide or behavior of such.
Constant headache or tension.
Lack of appetite.
If any more than one of these symptoms, talk with your doctor or nurse and he or she will provide more information regarding the disease and its symptoms. It is nothing to be ashamed of.
For more information regarding this common malady, visit;
Collective Thoughts Of My Journey 
Very Prolific and Honest/ love ya
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