Coming To Terms…

WARNING: This is a very sensitive topic that I have to discuss in here.

This is one of the sensitive situation of my life that I have decided that I’ve come to terms with. It’s about my identity as a human being. Well, I have written several blog entries regarding the situation of child-molestation and dealing with the question of my sexual orientation.

I have written that I had a fairly normal childhood. I was mostly outside and have not done many girl-like stuffs. I understood that I am a girl who like normal childhood things.

Until I was violated when I was eleven years old. That was when I’ve become very uncomfortable around boys and men. Due to my psychological perception that I’ve viewed all men as “child-molesters” or “rapists” (Forgive me, gentlemen. That is how I am.) That was how deep-seated my issue was. So I’ve never came to terms with my strong dislike for men or any male figure. This has been going on for many years. Even long after the ten years of child-molestation ordeal that I had endured, my perception of men has changed to the point where I have rarely dated any men.

I have not dated men because of this one reason that I’ve perceived men as “pedophiles”. I still have this deep-seated problem that I’ve developed so much anger towards men in general whenever I hear any news about men hurting children and women. Yes, that includes men raping women, unfortunately. Of course; there are very few men whom I was comfortable with and they’re part of my family.

So I hadn’t come to terms as to why I’m attracted towards women. I didn’t realize that I was mostly interested in women until now that I’ve began liking so many women characters, in both many science-fiction and in Star Trek. It all started with the “Space 1999” female character named Maya. I didn’t realize that I might have been a lesbian and not even know it.

So with the issue of being violated and my interest in females or women became prominent in my life. I’ve been questioning myself of my sexual orientation towards females.

Then, there is yet another issue that I have been worrying about for many years. It was how would my family react to my true identity when I get out of the closet? I’ve never known about the truth about my family’s sexual orientations till many years later…

Those questions such as “Who am I really attracted to?” “Why was I more comfortable around women than men?” “Do I get excited when I think about a particular character or woman?” or “Am I really a lesbian?” I’ve asked these questions for many years and have little answers to my questions.

So with the trauma of child-molestation, my interests in females, and my family’s reactions along with unanswered questions about my sexual orientation. I have decided to visit the local psychologist whom I’ve been following for several years for my depression and other psychological issues. When I had visited the therapist for sometime to sort out my questions and my issues with the past. That was when I began to realize who I really am as I discovered and learned more about myself which answered so many of my questions.

I finally got to talk to my mother about these things when I found to time to talk with her. She then revealed to me that there are several family members who are lesbian or bisexual or gay. I had no ideas about them till she’d divulged them to me. (No. I will not reveal any names.) and a trans-gender friend. (I will not reveal names either.) Funny thing is, I have had gay friends who I’ve gotten along comfortably. So when I spoke with my mother, I at last became more comfortable with who I really am and I will no longer feel the shame about my sexual orientation.

Well, now that I am more comfortable with who I am as a woman who loves another woman, and to not to feel ashamed about it.

So I’m able to understand myself as a person who likes everyone as who they are, not as what they are, and will treat everyone equally as friends. It takes some time to heal and grow. So, yes, everything began making sense when I was able to seek help with my issues and questions of who I am as a woman.

So anyway; I believe that is about it for now so take care, everyone.

Fixation of Motions, Lights, and Space: The discovery of Asperger’s Syndrome.

By: Tracy W. Taylor

I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a form of autism, and I would like to open my world to you of how I’ve functioned in this world, and that the mystery has finally been solved at last.

I have had this mystery that has not been solved for nearly 49 years. I have lived with it for most of my life. I do them and I wear them. And it’s been a part of me. It has been a mystery since a myriad of other issues have masked those symptoms that have been left unanswered for many years.

Some of those sensory, habits, and developmental changes in me has affected how I functioned in social situations. All those years, I have been asking questions as to why I act in certain way or how I interact in this complex world.

Well, I’m going to tell you about myself in a way that you can understand.

I was born in 1965, blind in both eyes till I regained sight about eight months later. So there is the hand-eye coordination issues that’s been masked. And I am deaf from birth also, and further complicates matters. Yes, it all started with Rubella Syndrome. I have written the blog entries concerning this condition.

The first sign that an Asperger’s Syndrome has begun was the strong aversion to anything fuzzy, furry or anything grass-like. I did react badly those tactile sensation. It all began when I was merely an infant to toddler age. I would not touch anything that are fur-like or grass-like because in my perception, they felt like sharp knives, or needles.

So I have lived in the world with little or no one to play with at a young age. I have difficulties in how to interact with children my age. Also during all those times when I was 1 to 6 years old, I used to ride the hobby-horse, it’s a child’s toy shaped like a horse. I’ve ridden it for hours on end without stopping. Back and forth, back and forth. It was the motion that I’ve craved. It was very comforting. Yes, I have worn the hobby-horse out till its spring broke. I have kept doing this for so long that I did not realize that I was wearing it out till it broke. So I moved on to different ways of comforting myself with repititious behaviors. I have also ridden my aunt’s motorized exercise-bike since it provided the motion that calmed me.

I have also worn out 2 swing sets over the years. I used to swing for many hours on end, without stopping. I have kept swinging and swinging. So I didn’t stop swing even well into my adult life. I still miss swinging. I have also look for anything that resembles the swinging motion like the swing-chairs or benches so that I could and still can get that comfort of swinging motion.

Then, there is walking in circles. My mother calls this “Turning-Circles”. I am still doing this ever since I started this in early childhood. I have not stopped this. It was something that helped me to think and to comfort myself. I needed that vertical turning motion.

Whenever I swim before I’ve learned to swim; I’ve used a floatation device in the form of the rings so that provided the twirling motion for me for hours on end. Of course; I’ve had rashes in my armpits as a result of my first use of it.

So I still rock myself ever since my childhood. Again, it’s that rocking motion that comforted me. I’m doing it as I am writing this article. Yes, all those habits and behaviors, I do them for many minutes to many hours on end without stopping.

Then, there is that strong fixation to bright lights. Yes, I’ve stared into flashlights for a hours or till the batteries run down. I’ve also stared at bright lights in whatever rooms that I was in.

Anyway; I’ve explained some of my world, but that’s not all. I am still in the world that I feel separated from the “social norm”. Even with my severe vision and hearing impairments; I still struggle with learning language skills and the hand-eye coordination. There are times I that I have wanted to say something, but I often got frustrated when they misunderstood me. With my hearing impairment that have complicated my growth in language skills further; I struggled. Even when I received my hearing aids; some of those struggles seems to alleviate. With my vision impairment; I rarely make eye-contact with anyone and even if I did, it’s disconcerting to me because I feel uncomfortable and exposed. As a school-age and teen-age years passed on; it was not an easy road for me because of lack of knowledge of Asperger’s Syndrome, and the fact that I’ve had to deal with bullying. I have often done many things by myself. I’ve preferred to be alone. Hence why I didn’t have many friends. There are times that I felt isolated because of how I am and what I lived with. I didn’t start catching up with my peers academically till after I’ve turned 10 years old. No, it was not just because I was hearing and visually impaired, but I also have Asperger’s Syndrome, the mystery condition that went undiagnosed for many, many years.

Well, there goes my intense interest in science-fiction that I’ve written about. That was my main interest most of my life and I have not deviated from that. My interest or fixation on science fiction especially Star Trek dated from when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I have read and written about anything to do with science fiction, and I collect anything to do with such hobby also. So yes, I breathe science-fiction. That was my fixation. Even certain science-fiction and Star Trek characters have become my fixation (some would call it “obsession”). It is any wonder that I did have many friends who would relate to me in the same interest?

Yes, I have been somewhat socially inept, but I did not show it. I didn’t do well in some conversation because I have difficulties relating to people. I knew that I was fairly intelligent, but I just don’t get the proper education that are tailored to my needs rather than being pushed to catch-up with my peers. I would have functioned better that way rather than tossing me into the world that was so alien to me. For me: I had to know what is going on before I make any decisions. I know that Asperger’s Syndrome was one of the newest spectrum that has been discovered, and I was one of the many thousands or more adults with the same dilemma that I have.

And all those noises? Ah! Since I have hearing aids, I was able to lower the volumes in order to cut down on those uncomfortable background noises. Yes, there were times I literally had to shut them off. I couldn’t stand a lot of loud noise. Those rubber balloons? I’d get startled when they pop. So it still bothers me.

And many times, I was often cold. Some rooms were too cold for me. Yes, I couldn’t stand any cold climates, which explains why I was often outside during warm or hot weather. In cold weather; I’d bundle up as much as possible in order to get to those swings.

Using the computer has opened the doors for me so that I can interact with the people while I was “anonymous”. I became fascinated by computers for years and was able to use one in 1997, and have used the device ever since. It was the way for me to open up to people without having to deal with eye-contacts and speaking properly.

I also had to deal with the various childhood traumas that I had to live with, which would have caused me to revert to my repetitive behaviors on end not being able to break out of their cycles. Swinging, turning-circles, and rocking. I was that close to shutting out the world. I was in emotional turmoil during that time, ranging from anger to indifference. And the feeling of being inadequate also complicated the matters further, which culminates towards depression.

I didn’t get the proper psychological treatment till 2008 when I became overwhelmed and had suicidal thoughts.

All this trouble I’ve gone through:
Rubella Syndrome – blind and deaf,
Strong aversion to anything fuzzy, furry or grass-like,
Repetitive behaviors,
Fixation of bright lights,
Lack of friends or playmates,
Speech difficulties,
Being startled or can’t stand loud noises,
Being socially inept,
Fixation on certain interest or things, “Science-fiction” or being something or someone that I am not,
Strong aversion to cold temperatures,
Bullying in school,
Isolating myself,
Child molestation, and
Depression, are what nearly had put an end to solving this mystery.

All that I’ve mentioned has piled up to the point when enough is enough, I was not properly diagnosed. I was going in circles asking the same questions about my symptoms and behaviors. No one had noticed this for years. Even my mother may have noticed some behaviors but she had not thought it would affect me that greatly.

So it has been a long time coming. I have not been able to find the right professional clinician to help me with this mystery till June of 2014. When I have spoken with her; divulging all that I have known about myself. She has decided to help find out why I have acted the way I was (and still am).

At last; All the puzzle pieces fell into place to where they belong. All the other conditions that I have masked these symptoms and it went undiagnosed till now. So no longer will I have to live with unanswered questions or the worries that the mystery would not be solved in time.

Now here I am, a happy individual writing this blog entry opening the doors to my inner world of how I’ve lived and struggled for many years.

Someone has asked me if I plan on writing an autobiography about how I have lived with Asperger’s and other myriad of conditions. My response was that it was undecided. I may or may do so. It really depends on how committed I would be in finding the information that I needed from various sources especially my family.

So I hope those of you out there are reading this and I can relate to this. I am glad that all my questions are finally answered, and now that I can understand myself better. Yes, I still do the things I do, but I will no longer be ashamed of them. Thank you for taking your time to read this.

Asperger’s Syndrome Links:
There are the links for information about this autism spectrum.

http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/mental-health-aspergers-syndrome

http://www.autism-society.org/about-autism/aspergers-syndrome/

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/detail_asperger.htm

Asperger’s in Adults:

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/asperger_syndrome_and_adults

http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-aspergers-disorder/000877

Proprietary Fails.

Company Logos

They are all guilty! Food industries and franchises are guilty. Technological industries (Including Apple) are guilty. Social networks (including Twitter) are guilty. Film and television industries are guilty. Music industries are guilty. Anyone involved in photography are guilty. Anyone involved in awareness organizations or causes such as Susan B Komen Breast Cancer Awareness are just as guilty. Anyone involved in copy-righting the materials such as logos or printed materials are just as guilty. And bringing down the hammer; the ones who owns those products and or materials and unwilling to share anything within reasons are still guilty.

And you wonder why…

They are all guilty because they all failed us. They all failed us because they all have one thing in common. Proprietary use of products or materials including copy-righted materials or trade-marked products. They all failed us because they are doing everything they can to prevent illegal sharing of products or materials. They are all lumping the innocents with the guilty so that they can get more money by creating lawsuits and causing undue harm not only to the innocent people involved but also to themselves. All those industries, franchises and non-profit organizations are only doing themselves the disservice by making their product proprietary and all that that is what is failing us. By making their proprietary or copy-righted causes them in my opinion to be failures. They are failures due to the fact that that’s where they rake up the money.

They also trade-marked their products so to create competition between themselves. They all failed me because competition means nothing to me. Look at Apple vs Microsoft debacle, for example. It is a joke. And now Apple is pulling the same shenanigan on Samsung while Apple were the ones who have originally stolen from others. Hello!!!

Proprietary use of products or copy-righted materials failed us because

#1, Competition between several parties involved making life more difficult for the public use of their products, and

#2, Lawsuits between the parties involved in the litigation of the industries’ selfish and obstinate restrictive use of their products.

Competition and lawsuits are reprehensible when it comes to proprietary or copy-righted products. I seriously doubt if those idiots sitting in their CEO office chairs would ever grow up out of the gutter for self-centered greed and harm.

And it really does not take a college degree in marketing is know what is really behind this so-called successful marketing. It all boils down to common-sense!

Lawsuits due to someone getting hurt is one thing. But lawsuits due to someone using copy-righted material without permission is a cop-out. I do not see why anyone want to fill their heads or their hearts with greed if they find that someone was sharing something without their permission.

I have read an article about sharing of photographs or images online between bloggers. The article was good except when I read those comments. It is disheartening to see that some of the bloggers are unwilling to share their photos or images with anyone because it is copy-righted. Again, they failed me because they have made their photos and image proprietary. I am disappointed to see that there are some bloggers who are unwilling to share because of this fact. Some say that they "live off their photography" I really don’t want to hear their selfish lame excuse like that. I am sorry.

And here is my situation with the "Snapette" web-master. I had a run-in with him due to the fact that his web-site was hacked by trolls and out of poor judgment had reported me to social network. I have written an email back to him personally threatening him to sue him to prove that he has the copy-righted the name. He backed off.

Prince is one prime example of how proprietary his music are. I have seen it happened over and over again. Lawsuits after lawsuits over his music because they are copy-righted and that he has become self-centered and is unwilling to allow others to share his music. He is one example of what is greed is about. He failed me because of the greed.

Remember Napster? There was big blow-out of lawsuit over the large number of music being shared on the peer-to-peer network. Yes, it was out of the intense greed of the music industry which caused the film and the television industries to have decided to jump in the band-wagon by making their products copy-righted. All because of greed.

And there is Susan B Komen’s Cancer officials who are behind this blatant use of the patenting of their products. I really thought that the cause was supposed to share the awareness of breast cancer until I read an article about how they instigated the lawsuit over the "term" near the end of the tag-line. How sad. That is what greed do to them. I used to share their products to raise awareness about breast cancer since my family has a history of it. Well, that article had hit me with a ton of bricks as it has shown the truth. So I am boycotting this organization, all because of their "copy-righted" use of their logo. That really disgusted me to no end. Yes, it’s all about greed and I know Susan is rolling in her grave right now over this.

I have seen and heard so many lawsuits over the licensing of names, products, and anything that comes to mind. It is ridiculously a failure on the industry’s part in the first-place.

Now you see several examples of greed and industrial failures. It’s nothing but proprietary fails.

You see? I personally do not believe in this tactic of proprietary in any product or materials in any form. It is nothing but an industrial failure all because of greed.

I can see why they all do this. The industries involved want to make more money by competition and lawsuits. They do this to prevent people from sharing between themselves. I see nothing illegal about sharing, music, photos, videos, and even blogs.

What is actually illegal in the first place is that the industries have allowed themselves to be proprietary-police and/or copy-right-cops. They have not seen how much a failure they are and they refused to see it because they are all guilty of all those tactics.

Come on, this is not the 1984 or Fahrenheit 451 society where our minds are dictated by the government and industries. We should be rising above this despicable thing such as the proprietary or copy-righting. It has to stop.

I know that my voice will go unheard because of greed for lawsuits over their products. They all failed me no matter. It is sad that our society revolves around famous products and people and they all have become proprietary. Even this computer that I’m using is "property of Acer" because they made this product. We really need to make efforts to make changes and to re-organize our society in order to change this from the failure that we are to the success that we are supposed to be.

Is not that what my favorite science-fiction show called Star Trek supposed to be? You see NOTHING proprietary anywhere in the show while everyone share their knowledge and resources, no branding whatsoever! How sad that we are sinking deeper into the cesspool of evil of proprietary-society.

Anyway; the franchises and industries have failed me. I will never look at them the same again, ever again. I know we need to change this but how are we going to do this? I really don’t know.

Please don’t even bother to say, "Who are you to tell us…" I really think you should stop, calm down, re-read this before you use your brain instead of your mouth.

Okay, I conclude with the fact the many industries and firms have failed us due to the fact they are proprietary with their products and materials. They either compete with one another or instigate lawsuit in order to prevent innocent people from sharing products within reasons, and out of greed. They are all guilty of this tactic. I have to ask when enough is really enough already. This has to end. Not only in the United States of America, but also worldwide. Yes, the other countries are just as guilty with this form of failure in their industry. We are supposed to be moving past this blatant self-centered tactic of proprietary and copy-righting, but we are not. We acting more and more like animals who think they can get away with this form of evil. That is why I am writing this scathing blog entry to inform everyone of the reasons behind the so-called industrial "success". This is why I have to speak up for the innocent people who are blatantly lumped with the guilty ones. I really wished that my view of the industries are "rosy" as some say, but it is not working. Whatever happened to sharing within reasons and not having to be dealing with those who say, "Hey, that’s my stuffs, remove them or I’ll sue you."

So let me ask you this; are you placing your things just for money to make you happy, or is it to so that you enjoy sharing resources and communicating with each other without having to resort to be at one another’s throats over sharing resources. Isn’t it time to cease being backward with how we share our recourses online or otherwise? Yes, I have heard it over and over that plagiarism is cheating and people get worried about their works being "stolen". So is it really necessary to hold on to things that you think are yours? We really need to grow up or otherwise we would be in a vicious cycles of greed and selfish behaviors. If you really want the credit due you; let us be wise to allow innocent people to share within reasons.

Well, I think this is as much as I can say about the issue that has been heavy on my mind and heart for some times. I am hoping that my voice will be heard somehow in an understanding that we need to be civilized human beings when it comes to sharing resources rather than suing someone over stealing a "copy-righted" material. You see? I will always see those people who’ve instigated this mess as guilty failures. Nothing more. I know I am being cynical over this, but it has to be said somehow.

CopyRight Logos, Can we be rid of these?

So can we make a change in the positive direction? Can we move on? Can we just share and say, "Thank you"? So thank you all for sharing my blog if you are willing to share it. I’m happy to let you share it. 🙂

Peace Out and Live Long and Prosper.

WARNING:

If anyone choose to place any comments that are derogatory or hateful in my blog. Or if anyone who "holds" such copy-righted materials think that it is not right to share within reasons; then I WILL promptly remove them. We really need to re-think or re-evaluate how we share the products without the so-called repercussions. I really don’t need this garbage that they can get away with not wiling to grow up and change. So let’s be civil as humans. Shall we?

And now for this suspenseful surprise that everyone’s been waiting for…

“I speak for the Borg” — Seven of Nine in Star Trek: Voyager “Scorpion 2”.

Lesson To Move On.

You know? I have learned the hard lesson when it comes to dwelling on events and situations. I have seen and heard many pivotal and adverse situations over the years. Some minor and some major. But all of them were detrimal to my psyche whenever I’ve dwelled on whatever had happed to the things or people around the particular situation.

Over the years, I have been a television watcher and I have watched many shows and movies, and unfortunely, I also have watched the news both local and major. Sometimes, I wonder why bad things have to be included with the good things that are on television. That was one of the triggers that has set off my major depression along with the triggers of the effects of bully, child molestation, and feelings of inadequacy.

So when I was recovering from major depression at the hospital, it was learning not to dwell on the past or what had happened and to learn to move on to learn to re-focus my attention on something more positive. That was the very hard lesson to learn for me to learn.

I know that the very recent event has touched of so much furor all over the television and how it effects the people. Since I am now a Twitter user, I have watched how this event has effected a lot of people, Some with anger, disappointment, disgust, sadness.

It is how we deal with our anger is the real issue with the people that I’ve encountered on the Internet. Whenever we become angry with something or someone, how do we react to the situation? Do we react in hate which is unproductive to our growth as individuals? Do we react with anger without clearly thinking through, only to pay the consequences of what we have done?

What I really don’t care for is this; don’t give me the excuse that they are "insane" when they got angry. That is an act of cowardice in my opinion. That is a form of cop-out of some people who have refused to think clearly out of anger.

Anger is a powerful feeling, but how do we wield it? Do we use in it the negative manner and get further into trouble, and be a coward. Or do we react in the positive way and strive and campaign for positive changes.

Well, I have learned to move on after I get angry for a short time. Yes, I prefer not to dwell on the issue or situation at hand. It’s not productive to dwell on it and be angry all over and be depressed once again. It’s not worth getting ourselves in trouble for.

So I re-focus my mind and move to more positive things or situations. Past is past and we really must learn the lesson from it instead of repeating the mistakes. Please, let’s move on and make an effort to campaign for change instead of allowing ourselves to repeat the history again and again.

You see? Common-sense have disappeared and no one seems to learn the lesson from the consequences that they have brought on to themselves.

So what we to do? Let history repeat itself if we chose not to face the consequences of our actions, and learn from our mistakes? Or do we at least learn to have common-sense and learn to make an effort for positive changes around ourselves.

Now you see why I don’t sit and dwell on things or situations that are occurring around me. I know that it is counter-productive to continue to react in a negative manner. I desire to move on after I get angry or sad for only a moment.

You notice that I don’t write about anything that may trigger any hostile comments on my blog. I have chosen not to be part of those who have acted in the hateful or cowardly manner. Those actions are unproductive and prevents growth of intelligence.

So it is really time to grow up and be civilized individuals instead being hostile animals. This is the year 2013 and we are supposed to move past our deviant behaviors. Sometimes, I have to wonder. So what is so hard about moving on instead of dwelling in deviant behaviors?

Funny that our bodies are living in the 21st Century and our minds seems to grow backward in time. So please let go of the past and move on. Stop dwelling in anger and hate and start learning to treat everyone equally with respect. Need I say more????

Well, I believe this is about it for now for this blog. I am really hoping that somebody would read this and learn to move on. Enough is enough with the adverse behaviors like hate and anger. Like I said, "Enough is enough."

Anyway; let’s move on. Shall we? 🙂

Is It Too Late For Me To Dream?

Here is an excerpt from one of my journal entries. This one’s dated May 6, 2010

"Well, I wondered if it’s too late to really dream…. So is it too late to dream? I’ve just read a story in the 2nd Helping of the Chicken Soup book about realizing my dreams. It is possible! So I really want to dream about something special or someone special. So what would be my ultimate dream while I’m still here on this planet Earth? Well that will be another journal entry altogether."

Anyway; I’ve never got to that topic about my question regarding whether it is too late to dream. So I am going to do this in the blog entry instead.

The reason I have asked this question a few years ago when I have been wondering whether if it is too late to dream. Whether it is big or small, or how special it is.

Now this question is coming back to me as the ultimate dream that I have is beginning to solidify as I have thought about it. Yes, it has changed for some time and now the dream is beginning to form in a way that it is possible that my just might come true. So I asked myself, "Is it too late to dream?"

I asked this because I am growing older and I do not wished to lose this dream. I am hoping that the dream that I have may come true someday. There is a few dreams why this dream is slowly solidifying. All of this, I believe, is directed by the Cosmic Guidance (YHVH), that I am familiar with someone, and that it will happen in the future.

Right now, I am not ready to divulge the contents of this dream that I have. Yes, it has been recurring for some time. But I am hopful that this dream will come to fruition in the right time and place. So it is up to me to follow my dream. For me, it is an ultimate dream.

Anyway; I believe that it is not too late for me to dream and to follow it. That is my hope. I would not give up dreaming no matter how many times people will say otherwise.

So far; I think this is it for now. No, it’s not to late to dream whatever you wish to dream. Until next time, I’ll write another blog entry.

What’s In The Names, Nick-Names And Designations.

So what is in my name, nicknames, and a designation? Hmm, that is the question that most people have asked of me. They know that I have a name that I was given when I was born and later I was given different names like nick-names for a number of years. Then, at last, I have decided on a numeric designation. Yes, I will explain all about my names in this blog entry. So hold on your hats.

I was given the name "Tracy Alyce" soon after I was born in February 3rd, 1965. Even though no one is raised in the Jewish background, so I was not given a Hebrew name.

My first name, Tracy, means in English "brave".

My middle name, Alyce, means in Spanish "Of the nobility".

Those are the names that I was given by my grandmother and my great-aunt has decided on these names after my mother had wanted to name me "Sunny Dawn" after a dog whose name was "Sunny Hayes". I have learned of this from my mother at a later time. It’s strange that the other family members would have had to meddle into those name issues.

So since I have learned of my Jewish heritage in the later years, around 2003, which explains why I was never given a Hebrew name. We’re non-practicing Jewish family. So I have taken upon myself to do an online search for a Hebrew name. I’ve discovered an app in Facebook provided by a Jewish man so I used it. It came up with several Hebrew names to choose from based on my English name. Then, I have decided on "Netiva" some online Jewish sites have "Nediva".

Netiva (or Nediva) נְדִיבָה which means Openhanded in Hebrew.

So those are my given names and the one I’ve given myself.

Then, there’s my maiden name, "Willets" Oh, I have a dislike for it since it was used in a manner of a nick-name by my family members. For many years, I’ve been called, "Silly Willets". Or "Hey, Willets" Anyway; I’ve endured this pun for many years till I got married.

I have nick-names too. Some are good and some are bad. But they were seldom used until I discovered the Internet in 1998. The first nick-named I’ve used was "Snapette". I’ved used it in my emails and Inter-Relay Chat Networks. I have used it for some time in the Inter-Relay Chat network for sometime till I have decided to change my nick-name.

Well, at one time, I have used Yahoo’s webpages to post a few things about myself. All was going well until I had a run-in with a webmaster of the same name. "Snapette" Anyway; after he had reported to Yahoo from "infringement" of "copy-righted" name. So I’ve threatened to take him to court to have him prove it. He later backed down to apologize and explained to me that he had trolls hacking his website. Come to find out. I had "Snapette" longer than he had.

So that leads to my decisions to change my nick-name. The one that is neutral and rarely used. So I’ve come up with "Snapstur" So have used "Snapstur" to this day.

Even though I’ve changed my nick-name; most people in the Inter-Relay Chat network where I’ve monitored many chat rooms have called me "Snap", "Snappy", or mis-typed "Sanp" I respond to all beside "Snapstur" or "Snapette"

I have used other nick-names temporarily till I have come up with the nick-name that is uniquely my own.

I picked "Snapstur" because I used to snap at people when I have a firey temper that’s coming from my Cherokee background, and I like turtles. So instead of saying "Snappy’s (or Snapette’s) Turtles", I have shortened it to "Snapstur". Why, I have shortened it this way? You ask. Well, it denotes that I am incomplete without the Cosmic Guidance (or YHVH).

Now you know why you see "Snapsturb4given" in this blog site’s title. I have lived a very rough life and I am learning to forgive other as I am learning to forgive myself. So I would be forgiven by the Cosmic Guidance for any offenses made as I forgive other’s offenses.

Those are the nick-names that are uniguely mine.

Well, now you wonder why I picked those numerals in my Twitter username and the Gravatar title. Anyway; I have written the blog entry about my fascination with science fiction. In the science fiction world and I am a major Star Trek fan for many years. I didn’t start becoming the Borg fan till I became intrigued with the character called "7 of 9" She is the liberated Borg in the Star Trek: Voyager series and it is played by Jeri Ryan who is a wonderful actress who has played this role.

So I have been playing with the number 7 for some times till I have come up with the combination that really fits together like the glove. 7of77x7.

The first 7 goes to 7 of 9, my favorite character.

The rest of the 7’s; are part of the Biblical reference to forgiveness, which is found in Matthew 18:22. 70 x 7, and the reasons I picked only the 7’s is that it is the number of completion by YHVH (or the Cosmic Guidance).

So there you have it. Those are my names, nick-names and my Borg designation. I’ve discussion the meaning and the histories behind those names, nicknames and the Borg designation. So I think it goes something like this; Tracy Alyce Nediva Willets Taylor who is also known as Snapette, Snapstur, and now 7of77x7.

I hope you have enjoyed the little journey with me as I tell you about my names and designation. So this is it for now. 🙂

Pushed Away By Health Nuts.

This blog is best read all the way through in oder to understand the issue at hand.

I made the comment in Twitter tonight or is it in the wee hours of the morning at where I live.

Here is the excerpt and I quote myself,

"*sighs* You know? Some health nuts think they can get away with down-grading people who have poor health."

I decide to open the can of worms further when I just saw a tweet from one of my follower tweeting to our favorite celebrity. That really bothered me.

Sometimes; I wondered if those people who are such "health nuts" are really implying that they can get away with down-grading the people who have poor health.

Earlier yesterday; I’ve read the tweet that Twinkies are returning on July 15th, 2013, which is great because it brings back the classic taste in food. I was happy about it. Twinkies have been in our culture for many decades and many people complained when the company no longer sells them and closed out.

So as I was thinking about this blog entry in the journal format; I am beginning to realize that some of those people who have been controlling their health with careful eating and keeping their figures because of the images that they have to portray. They have been putting themselves at risk for health problems later in life.

All this mess started many decades ago with the advent of film, magazine and later television and music. The film and magazine industries have begun to display actresses and models with homely images and it was the beginning of things that have gone worse. Over time, I am beginning to notice that the people especially women are being portrayed as thinner and thinner. They are getting thinner over time because they were told to "lose weight" to portray "better image"

Well, the message of "healthy" eating is lost in the film, television and modeling industries. It’s really sad and disgusting.

My disgust is growing as I remembered seeing models in the glamour magazines growing less healthy and becoming thinner hovering very dangerously close to anorexia.

I know that some of them are suffering with the illnesses of anorexia and bulimia and it’s horrific all because of such industries are bent on portraying "thinner" women.

I know of one actress in particular and I have seen how lanky she is. I wondered if she has gotten this "be a health nut" idea from theater training. I wonder because of so much restrictions that she’d placed on herself. I am wondering that this growing sickness is getting the best of them to be as "healthy" as they can when in reality it’s getting as "thin as they can". It’s all wrong.

I know you’re wondering where I’m going about this. Well, these are the "Health Nuts" that I’m really worried about now and it’s disgusting me.

The issue I have with those health nuts is that they are in reality not healthy at all and I can see through that. It’s horrid.

Back to this same actress that I mentioned earlier in the blog, she seems healthy to most people and I am beginning to really wonder if she is sending the wrong message about "healthy" eating and life-style. I know that she means well about it, but I am really wondering if she is inadvertently pushing a lot of people who are in poor health away. Is she?

So here I am in poor health because I have the medical condition for many years and I have tried my best for years to stay as healthy as I can. In about a few hours, I am about to do a 12-hour fast for my lab-work to have my blood-sugar and A1C checked.

I am hurt and disgusted by those health nuts because I know that I cannot afford to get better or less chemically-altered foodstuffs. I just cannot afford any of those food in order to regain my health because I have low income.

What more can I say? Those "health nuts" have no ideas whatsoever that how poor this country really is. They have no ideas because they have those stupid rose-color glasses over their eyes to protect them from the reality of truth.

You see? I have diabetes and I am on insulin for years. My thyroid glands were taken out because there was two tumors on them. So here I am with weight problem because of the medical conditions I have.

It hurts to watch those health nuts eat so much vegetables and fruits where they can afford them while I cannot. One actress grew a vegetable and fruit garden while I cannot. What is wrong with this picture?

I have shown you one side of the coin about the "health nuts" and I have shown you the other side of the coin about me. I feel that there are others like me who are really suffering starvation, malnutrition, and medical conditions that prevented us from leading the truly healthy lives. Those "health nuts" are NO better than we are. I’m sorry.

Do those health nuts think they can get away with down-grading us by purposely eating healthier and shunning people with poor health? Or are they really ignoring the fact they are sending the wrong messages to the people who are in poor health. They have no idea they are victimizing not only the people who are in poor health, but also the average people.

Sometimes I really wonder if those health nuts are feeding their children the same food restriction that they have placed on themselves. I feel sorry for the children when their parent are unwittingly teaching them that they are "healthier" than the average kids their age. I worry for the children because of the same mistakes their parents have made on themselves. Are they putting their children at risk for bad eating habits that their parents have grown up with? Are they destined to repeat their parents’ idea of what’s "healthy" to them?

You know? I’m really sick of hearing about their "healthy" eating habits that they really disgust me. They are pushing me away because of it.

I really do ask myself right now if it’s really wrong to tell how I feel about her "health nut" eating habits. I saw the conversation and I realized how restrictive she has become with hter health and her children’s health. It’s sickening.

Well, I am sickened by the fact that those health nuts are brought up or trained to be restrictive in their eating habits because of the industries that they involved themselves in. It’s sad that they are really pushing away some of their fans by "implying" that they are "healthier" than their fans. It really saddens me more when people who are in poor health cannot afford to attain that kind of a healthy image that those health nuts have portrayed themselves.

No one is perfect, neither the "health nuts" nor the people who are in poor health. No one is perfect. Is it the state of "perfection" that everyone is trying to attain? I think it’s a wrong message to all of us. We really need to stop and think about how and why we live with our lives. I think it’s time to stop pushing away the truth and start helping each other in how to gain the middle ground without putting our health and lives at risk.

I brought out all these issues as I am thinking on my toes here. I don’t need to do or bring up any researches because this is the blog entry that I doing as a journal style. It has been on my mind for some time and I need to get this issue out in the open. It really hurts me that those health nuts have "pushed" me away with their flaunting of their "healthy" food choices and then being such a hypocrite by talking about sweets restrictions. I was in tears while I am writing this entry and I still am.

Don’t you ever realize you’re hurting me? Do you ever care enough to really realize how your life-style, especially your eating habits hurts me. Yes, it’s about the worlds of "Haves" and "Have-Nots" You destroy the true meaning of the word "health". You have destroyed what true health really is. The idea of being healthy is ruined by strict eating habits and being told to stay thin in order to keep the image you’re portraying. Don’t bother using an excuse that your job demands it. I hate the fact they’re ruining you.

It’s not all about being strict with what you eat or how much you consumed. It’s all about truly letting go of the restrictions and being free with the love of food.

In the days long before the inventions of films, movies, television, and magazines and even music; there used to be carefree and have no worries about trying to eat so healthy and keeping the "figure". The true message of freely eating the food with joy is lost when doctors tell them what to eat, and those involved in such industries that use imageries goaded them in how to look smashingly thin.

That is why I write this to reach out to those who are willing to read and listen. They really need to hear the truth about themselves whether they like it or not. This is your fan talking, writing and pleading with you to please understand where I come from. Don’t push me away with your unhealthy food restrictions. I love you too much to allow you to push me to hurt me like this. It hurts.

Maybe it’s time to really rethink our ideas of what "health" means to us. No one has the right to put our health and lives at risk because of the bullying, peer pressure or the pressures of your job demanded you to be so thin rather than be healthy.

Well, I believe this is what I have to say for now. I need to bring this health issue in the open and to plead with those to rethink their ideas of what "health" really means to them. The idea of true health is lost. The freedom of eating food without any form of restrictions is truly lost. The health nuts really do need help as much as the people who are in poor do. It’s up to us to reach out to each other and truly be free to enjoy the food without any forms of restrictions or warped-ideas. Where has the love of food gone?

So I will see you another time. Please take care of yourselves. I love you.

By the way; I decided not to mention the actress’s name so to save faces. You know who you are.