WARNING: This is a very sensitive topic that I have to discuss in here.
This is one of the sensitive situation of my life that I have decided that I’ve come to terms with. It’s about my identity as a human being. Well, I have written several blog entries regarding the situation of child-molestation and dealing with the question of my sexual orientation.
I have written that I had a fairly normal childhood. I was mostly outside and have not done many girl-like stuffs. I understood that I am a girl who like normal childhood things.
Until I was violated when I was eleven years old. That was when I’ve become very uncomfortable around boys and men. Due to my psychological perception that I’ve viewed all men as “child-molesters” or “rapists” (Forgive me, gentlemen. That is how I am.) That was how deep-seated my issue was. So I’ve never came to terms with my strong dislike for men or any male figure. This has been going on for many years. Even long after the ten years of child-molestation ordeal that I had endured, my perception of men has changed to the point where I have rarely dated any men.
I have not dated men because of this one reason that I’ve perceived men as “pedophiles”. I still have this deep-seated problem that I’ve developed so much anger towards men in general whenever I hear any news about men hurting children and women. Yes, that includes men raping women, unfortunately. Of course; there are very few men whom I was comfortable with and they’re part of my family.
So I hadn’t come to terms as to why I’m attracted towards women. I didn’t realize that I was mostly interested in women until now that I’ve began liking so many women characters, in both many science-fiction and in Star Trek. It all started with the “Space 1999” female character named Maya. I didn’t realize that I might have been a lesbian and not even know it.
So with the issue of being violated and my interest in females or women became prominent in my life. I’ve been questioning myself of my sexual orientation towards females.
Then, there is yet another issue that I have been worrying about for many years. It was how would my family react to my true identity when I get out of the closet? I’ve never known about the truth about my family’s sexual orientations till many years later…
Those questions such as “Who am I really attracted to?” “Why was I more comfortable around women than men?” “Do I get excited when I think about a particular character or woman?” or “Am I really a lesbian?” I’ve asked these questions for many years and have little answers to my questions.
So with the trauma of child-molestation, my interests in females, and my family’s reactions along with unanswered questions about my sexual orientation. I have decided to visit the local psychologist whom I’ve been following for several years for my depression and other psychological issues. When I had visited the therapist for sometime to sort out my questions and my issues with the past. That was when I began to realize who I really am as I discovered and learned more about myself which answered so many of my questions.
I finally got to talk to my mother about these things when I found to time to talk with her. She then revealed to me that there are several family members who are lesbian or bisexual or gay. I had no ideas about them till she’d divulged them to me. (No. I will not reveal any names.) and a trans-gender friend. (I will not reveal names either.) Funny thing is, I have had gay friends who I’ve gotten along comfortably. So when I spoke with my mother, I at last became more comfortable with who I really am and I will no longer feel the shame about my sexual orientation.
Well, now that I am more comfortable with who I am as a woman who loves another woman, and to not to feel ashamed about it.
So I’m able to understand myself as a person who likes everyone as who they are, not as what they are, and will treat everyone equally as friends. It takes some time to heal and grow. So, yes, everything began making sense when I was able to seek help with my issues and questions of who I am as a woman.
So anyway; I believe that is about it for now so take care, everyone.