National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE (or find the local rape crisis phone number in your phone book).
WARNING: This blog may contain disturbing contents.
I have written the last two installments about my journey into “Hell” and it was not easy writing all this. No, I never told you that it’s easy to write such a horrific testimony of where I came from and how I’ve endured such a “hell”. Yes, I have cried, but it was not bitter tears. Those tears were for the loss of my childhood. I lost my childhood life to this sexual predator who has taken away the innocence. Then, I’ve endured this “hell” because I was afraid of him. I was afraid if I’ve told anyone, he would have killed me, and a few of my family. He was that dangerous.
The attack began in 1976 and ended with an arrest in 1986 which is about ten years of “hell”. I was brainwashed into thinking all that attack was my fault, and I deserved it. In truth, that was the lie from the pit of the real Hell.
When the Cosmic Guidance has led me to tell someone that I was attacked; I did not know who to turn to as the year 1986 began. I was bottoming out and I was afraid. I was running out of time as my mother and I had decided to move to Deland, Florida and Jimmy was going to move along with us. I had a strong feeling that this “hell” had got to stop, but I did not know how. I have thought of the different means to escape this monster, which is an understatement, such suicide, murder, and running away from home. I was so afraid…
Then, one night as I told my aunt about this when she had made a remark that the devil is destroying my mother’s marriage to Jimmy, and he had placed a wedge in their marriage and that “wedge” was me. Just when Aunt Christine said that, all hell broke loose. I finally gained the courage to spill my soul when I felt the nudge from deep within me. It like I’ve been hearing someone urging me on to tell them the truth, but I’ve ignored the Spirit’s calling until this night. I cried all night spilling my soul to all who is willing to hear the horrible truth that I’ve been hiding. When I got the message of “Enough is enough!”; I just let go and let the Higher Power….
So the physical “hell” has stopped, and I had to go through all those investigations in order to tell my side of the stories. Just as I tried to remember the attacks, my mind simply tried to shut them out. My memory had continued to short-circuit as I tried to remember…. I later learned that it was the defense mechanism to block my memory of those attacks. I could only remember one attack and it was the most recent one. I hadn’t realized that my mind is creating its own “hell” as I had to go through the tedious investigation. I have stuck to my stories and I had never changed it. The prosecutor has managed to see how my disabilities were used against me and that how naïve I was as a young pre-teen so he had used those attributes against the defense. He understood that I was brainwashed for many years, and he had probably wanted to use that evidence against the defense as well. This investigation was not easy at all since I still had to go through my mental “hell”.
So when I was scheduled to go testify at a jury-trial proceeding; all these years I have been afraid of Jimmy Michael Lane who had destroyed me emotionally, mentally and killed my innocence, and I took very little comfort that there are bailiff and security nearby in case he would try to kill me. Just before I was ready to testify in court, I was sitting in the waiting room full of jurors and other people. I was still nervous of what will happen next. I was so afraid of screwing up my testimony and then chicken out. I had no special case supporters to sit with me and coach me along like they do nowadays. I was alone with just my mother and my grandmother. I cringed when my prosecutor came back out of the courtroom much too soon to begin the proceeding. I was shocked when I saw a faint smile on his face. So he took us aside and explained that Jimmy had decided to accept the plea bargain sentence of one year of federal prison and 15 years of probation, plus life on record as a sexual offender, and he had to go to the psychiatric evaluation for the rest of his life. I was taken-aback that this horrible 29 year-old sexual predator had suddenly chickened out when he learned that I was going to testify and not back down. He realized that I was not going to back down, all these years, I’ve been afraid of him, but he suddenly became afraid of my testimony against him.
So when I began my psychotherapy at the rape-crisis center, then I began to realize that child molestation is a crime against me and any young girls and boys, and it was never my fault that any perpetrator would calculatingly diabolically kill the innocence. I was livid! I became so angry that I could not stand to look at any guys. Whenever I see a man or a young teen-age about 18 or 19; I just see them as child molesters and rapists! I was so angry that I could not even stand to even to just look at a man for who he is, and I have really judged them all as rapists and molesters. I was very bitter because I have pushed a lot of people away especially men. The only men that I could only trust were my granddaddy, a few of my uncles, and great-grandfathers. That was how bad I was. I had decided that I had nothing to do with men, period!
As I grew to learn more about the subject of child molestation and rape; I have continued to be so angry and whenever I see a man, I see a child molester. That was how my mind worked. I was so appalled at how many women were injured or even killed because of this. There were times that I have wanted to kill these men who had attacked the women. I really hated it whenever the men made the excuses that the women had wanted it or they deserved it. I was filled with so much hate that I had thought of actually going out there and just kill any one of those men and just leave behind any evidence of who had killed them. Believe me; I was so bitter, angry and hateful… I had vowed to never forgive Jimmy Michael Lane for a long, long time; and probably till he dies! That was how much I really hated him.
So while I was dealing with this horrible vendetta; I have had backslid from my first-love, which is the Cosmic Guidance who had stood by and waited for me. I have tried so hard to find the peace that I could not find. I have been looking for love in all the wrong places. I was indeed a prodigal daughter. For the four long years of dealing with my mental and emotional frustration and “hell”; I have held a grudge, a vendetta that had trapped me, and I have heard the many lies the Cosmic Guidance is punishing me and that I could find love elsewhere. I was lonely, and I have hid in my room. I did not have any friends to whom I can turn to and share my burdens with. I have pushed all those people away because I was so unhappy with my life. I have seen myself as the damaged good that no man would want me for his wife. Of course, I have dealt with periods of depression as I have pined for my former innocent life. I have hid in my fantasy world in order to escape the everyday pain. I have such an affinity to anyone who was the outcasts of the society at large. I am an outcast of this world.
Then, one day at the place where people worship God; I went with Ken, my soon-to-be husband to attend the morning service in July of 1993. The former pastor has preached on the “Sins of Unforgiveness”. As I listened to the sermon; I could hear the enemy yelling at me like a maniac that I didn’t need to listen to this crap and go on to day-dreaming like I’d normally would to escape the daily pain. But in the middle of this turmoil; I could hear the still small voice as if saying, “It’s over.” I had wanted to just stay right there in the pew while the pastor was preaching his sermon. When the pastor decided to invite people to come up front to the stage and to let go of their burdens. I was beckoned to go. As I got up to go; I could feel how afraid I was as all the seventeen years of “hell” culminated into the full-blown chaos as I walked up the aisle. As I was walking towards the stage; I could feel myself shrinking in fear as the two forces fought over me. The forces of good are winning out against the forces of evil. My mind battled whether to turn tail and run or to just ask the Cosmic Guidance to forgive me. I was in the battlefield while I walked to the stage.
There was no turning back as I walked up to where the pastor was standing and praying for the other people. Then, next thing I knew; I stood there begging to be forgiven for holding the grudge and having the vendetta and then, letting go. Just as I asked for forgiveness; I was enveloped with such immense peace! All the pains of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual abuses were washed away! I have thought this is incredibly impossible. I could not even bring myself to even say, “I forgive you. It’s over.” I was no longer held in fear of punishment and I was no longer afraid of any men because I was so blinded by such a hate.
Since July of 1993; I began the long process of healing. Most of the burdens where washed away, but I still have scars to deal with such as the emotional back-lashes brought on by past pains, the festering wounds of the memory-blocks which had opened up brought on by certain triggers like a certain association, and the nightmares that had recurred from time-to-time. I have brought those and other triggers to light and learned to rise above them. It is still a difficult journey, but I know that the Higher Power is on my side to help fight my every battles. Elohim is also renewing my life as he has been bringing back my inner childhood. It is so wonderful as I am beginning to grow again to a new level of life that I now shared with my husband, Ken and the new friends.
So in 1999; I began to share my time on the Inter-Relay Chat beginning with the Ladies_Respite and #SpiritLed_Woman. I began to share my testimonies with the other women who were in the similar situation as I was. It was not so easy sharing them. This is the Higher Power’s way of healing me as I began to share how I have dealt with my pain, fears, and the healing. As I have chatted on the Inter-Relay Chat Network over the years; some women were touched by my testimonies and were encouraged to get help. Lately; I was introduced to the #RGC-Chat by a friend that I met in 2005 in the #Lobby. So I was then making new friends as I grew as a woman of faith. Elohim has used me to minister to those women on the Inter-Relay Chat Network. So that was my way of breaking the silence that sexual abuse is real and dangerous, and countless women are hurt, maimed or killed by this atrocity. Somehow; the Cosmic Guidance had introduce me to the Raising Godly Children ministry so I began to share my testimonies there. Towards the end of 2006; I was led to share my experiences with sexual molestation with those people in this #RGC-Chat room, and it has come to my surprise that there are several women who are now undergoing emotional turmoil regarding sexual assault and rape. I pray that the Higher Power will continue to heal them as well. I learned of this one lady who has shared her testimonies by posting her stories through many websites so this has led me to post my various testimonies to my blogs, but not this testimony. I had promised to do so when I felt led by the Cosmic Guidance to do so. This lady has given me inspiration to share such a testimony. It is not easy to share the testimonies like this, and I never said it was easy. But, I wanted to write this so that I wanted to encourage others to be strong in the Higher Power. I draw strength in writing this testimonial blog. Yes, I have cried many tears, not just bitter tears, but also the healing tears. I feel that I am being healed while I shed a tear as I write. I feel stronger as I testified and shared my story with those in order to inspire other women and young girls (and boys) to be strong and believe in themselves that they are the beautiful human beings that the Cosmic Guidance has created them to be. So I have decided to break the silence of my world by sharing my blogs with all those who are listening and willing to stand up for themselves.
So I am writing this last installment to encourage others to realize that they can stand up and break the silence.
So if you are the one who is suffering the attacks; I strongly encourage you to get out of the situation. Get out if your life depends on it. Call 9-1-1 (or your country’s local emergency line) or the local rape-crisis-hotline. Whatever you do; don’t ever believe the perpetrator’s lies; he’ll just continue to hurt you even worse. Go find someone that you can trust with your life preferably the person who is willing to listen and guide you out of the situation whether to go to a safe-house or another friend’s house. If it means that you’re going to be on the “streets” or if a predator threatens to kill you; the people who are helping you get out will find you a place, or take you to a safe-house. So please do everything possible to get help and be free from this.
So those are my instruction to get out of the situation that you’re in. I pray that this and the other installments would encourage you learn that sexual abuse and molestation is the crime against humanity. I pray that somebody might be healed from their pains as they read this. It is okay to cry many tears because they are healing. It is okay to be angry, be angry at the attacks. It is okay to hate the attacks, which is brought on this world for many eons.
I pray that this and the other 2 installments of “To ‘Hell’ and Back” would lift up someone from their pains that has been trapping them.
Dear Abba; I lift up all these people who were and has been hurt through such crimes of sexual abuse and molestations. YHVH, heal each person whether or not they have read of this blog. I pray that you touch each person and heal them from the pain affects of the sexual atrocities. Higher Power, these people are so precious to You and You are hurting with them while You were on the tree. Emmanuel, You are there throughout my trials and You are there in their trials, too. I thank You for who You are, and that You there to carry us on. In Your Name I pray……..OmeIn.