There are some things that we have to keep to ourselves, and not tell everyone about them. Some secrets are good and some secrets are bad.
I have been hiding from the world because I was hurt for so many years and I have suffered. I didn’t start hiding till 1976 when the “hell” began. So that was when I really hid within my mind in order to escape the harsh reality of being violated and getting hurt.
As you read this, notice that I have never had any crush on any real human being especially the male until at a much later date.
Well, I have a lot of secret fantasies as I have been growing up. Some are good and some are bad. I started having these imaginary friends when I was about eight years old. And I have continued to this day to have friends who are imaginary.
When I was about eight years old; I have fantasized about the TV series characters from the show “Emergency!”. I’ve thought of them as such cute guys, and that they’re heroes. Well, then, moved on to the Star Trek characters between Spock and McCoy. I sometimes; fantasized about the “Six Million Dollar Man”. I think those are pretty normal fantasies.
Then, I moved on to Maya of Space 1999, which was an oddity since I usually fantasized about the men.
Then, came my first love fantasy in 1978; when the TV show, Space Academy aired. I’ve started with one of the cadets on the show named, “Chris”, and then “Irgo” who was an RF silicon-based life form. Irgo was truly my first alien love interest. I did not think anyone would believe me when I tell them that I was in love with “Irgo” So that was one of my secret love fantasies. Then, there was a number of alien beings that I was in love with and been hiding my real love for so long because I’ve feared ridicule. For I’ve been ridiculed because of my hearing and vision deficiencies.
I did not realize that I have such an affinity for such fantasy creatures. Maybe it was because I’m an outcast of the society? I had wanted to fit in with my peers and I have difficulty feeling included in their activities.
Well, then, I fantasized about the computer named “Hal” in the movie 2001: Space Odyssey. I did not realize that I have also such an affinity for artificial life forms until at a much later time. Then, there was “Kitt” of Knight Rider that I have thought of for a while but have not really gotten interested in him till at a much later time.
Then, there was “Mxzoplk” (sic) of both the Justice League and Superfriends. This time; he was an ancient alien villain. I have fantasized about him for quite a long time till about 1986. Yes, that was a very long time; and yes, I’ve had other imaginary friends to fantasized about along with Mxzoplk (sic).
Then, in 1986; there was a cartoon show called the “Silver Hawks” and I know this sounds crazy, but I fantasized about one of the Silver Hawks characters. He was an alien, of course. Now, that fantasy was over and I’ve moved on to yet another fantasy character.
In about 1994; I was head over heels in love with “Data” of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I have been with this character for a long time and that was about when I began to realize my affinity for artificial life forms along with the different alien life forms. I have sometimes wondered why I was so different from a lot of people. Am I the only person with such weird fantasies?
And at last; there I come back to “Kitt” of Knight Rider. He is yet another fantasy love interest that I have written so many books about these characters to this day. Most of it are science-fiction and fantasy.
Right now, I’m putting poor Kitt in the background as I fantasized about another fantasy character, which is yet another alien life form that is microscopic in size. Of course, I have thought of B-4 of Star Trek: Nemesis and Gollum of The Lords of the Rings.
So I wonder sometimes if I’m drawn to such characters. I believe that I have such an affinity to such life forms. There were times, that I have felt that I really don’t belong here on this Earth. That was just my strange concept that I’ve lived with.
And that’s not all; I have fantasized about the two alien characters from Aliens In The Attic. One of which is Sparks, a male and Razor, a female. Oddly; here I was thinking about the females and I have thought that I was done with them. Well, I know that they are just fantasies and they are not real. I just can’t help but day-dream about them.
And then, back into the Star Trek world and I remembered fantasizing about a number of characters from different series like Spock, Data, Odo, and a few others along the way until a female has come to my attention. At first, I didn’t even bother think and let alone fantasize about her. It was Seven of Nine.
I have often chosen these characters mainly for their intelligence, their strengths, and how they have dealt with the challenges of being an outcast and how they learn to fit in within the societies that they live in.
So now you know just about all of the characters that I have fantasized and day-dreamed about whenever I needed to get away from the stress of ridicule, pain, heart-aches, I did not live a very easy life for I was a loner and I was picked on because of my hearing aids and glasses that I’ve worn when I was a kid and being taken advantaged of and being violated by someone who has destroyed my innocence and sense of trust. So this is how I have coped with all those challenges and having to live a difficult life. Not many people know this.
Now, you know I keep my love fantasies in secret. I’ve kept most of them in secret because I feared being ridiculed and shunned and be viewed as an outcast so unfit for society at large. So that is why I hide within my fantasy world in order to cope with the harsh reality of this planet Earth, and that I have been hurt so many times over the years.
Now I am able to find a place where I can share with only those whom I know and trust. I can only share with whom I love. There are just only a few select people whom I would like to share this with, and I’m not quite ready to do so now.
I am a bit afraid of the reaction that I get from those who has read this. I’ll have no way of knowing till I allow someone to read this. I really don’t want anyone to treat me like I am unfit or the one who is very sick in my head. Well, maybe I am for I have dealt with depression from time to time.
I have used my fantasies to escape from the harsh realities. Sometimes; I have used the fantasies as the defense mechanism.
So this is the only place where I can just hide myself, especially my love fantasies. I have many fantasies some were young and some were old, male and female, and currently; I’m having one of those love fantasies as I write. Yes, it is one of those fantasy human beings. But then, I would just revert to my old fantasies, and continue to hide from the world. Maybe that is why I am afraid of being hurt again.
My husband, Ken, is the only person that I can trust knows this, and he understood where I have come from and that I was hurt and had to hide from those pains. I love him for that. He stood by and listened as I have talked to him about them. He knows that it was the one of the ways that I had to cope with the harshness of life on Earth. I am glad that I have Ken who would simply take his time to listen.
Well, that is about it for now so take care and many blessings. Cyas.