National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE (or look up the local rape crisis hotline number in your phone book).
***WARNING*** This blog entry’s description may be disturbing to some…
Remember that I have written the first installment of the multi-part blog. I have written about my innocent childhood life before this “Hell” began. It all began innocently enough; leaving from the wonderful 2-week stay at the Lion’s Camp in Lake Whales, Florida. I was all-childhood then. No inkling of troubles ahead. So this is probably the most difficult installment to write. So I pray that as I walk you through this “Hell”; that there will be more courage among those who are just enduring this pain now. I pray that the Cosmic Guidance will hold your hands or hold you close to Him as we walk through this attack.
Remember, I have written how a predator can destroy you in many ways through different means at his disposal. But, remember; he will never win.
After I’ve come home from camp; this is the beginning where, Jimmy, whom my mother met before. He was a nineteen year-old man. I have no idea that Jimmy will become a predator by calculating his moves by gaining my trust in him. That was very diabolical in nature. He would gain my trust by acting as if he would be my very best friend. He would give me something like a gift or a candy, and then he would try to get me to do something special with him like going to do something together such as helping him work on one of his favorite projects. He would sometimes, ask me to help him with repairing some of the car or truck mechanics. He would also try to gain my trust by “pulling me away” or isolate me from the family and managed to look at me in a provocative way. He would look me as if I were an object in his eyes rather than the person to respect. So this is one of the preemptive strikes that he’d had against me.
Just as he had gained enough of my trust in him; he would simply treat me as if I were special to him by letting him hug me and touch me in such a friendly way. This is another one of his tricks that he’d planned so to ambush me. Unbeknownst to me; he was actually luring me into the web of his deceit. He has planned this attack so that I would be comfortable with him and not be ‘afraid’ of him.
When he has me into his diabolical plan of stripping me of my innocence with his ‘friendly’ lures; then, he began to introduce himself by exposing himself to me as if this was a game to him. He has exposed his private part as if it was nothing to him, or as if it’s normal for him to do so. This has been going on for some times before he began to touch me inappropriately. He would touch me where no father or step-father should be touching and that only a husband or an intimate partner can do that. He has touched me in the areas that has made me uncomfortable and that should have been my warning signs and I’ve missed it. He has so-called eased my fears and has told me that this is the secret that no one should know. In no certain terms was I to tell anyone about this. That was when he was stripping me of my trust in people. He has had instill a fear in me that “no one” would believe my story that I was touched inappropriately. This nineteen years man here is muscular and that is part of why I did not tell anyone of this for many years because of this fear. He began brainwashing me that no one would believe me, or be on my side when he gets arrested for this evil deed. He has erected the mindset in me that I was to fear him rather than fear anyone else. So out of fear; I have hidden in silence.
Inside the silence world of child molestation; Jimmy has began to touch me inappropriately in such areas where the woman’s body should be private and not to be used against her. He has exposed himself and touched me whenever no one else is around. For example; my mother would be away on errands and I’d be ‘attacked’. He would take advantage of me whenever and wherever he could to get at me. He had wanted me for himself. I was the ‘forbidden fruit’ for him, and he had relished the thrill of having to exploit me to his whims.
After he had managed to get past my fear of him touching me and such, then, he would begin to sexual relation with me, and it is very much against my will. I did not consent to this and many more acts. I was coerced into having sex with him whenever he had that sexual cravings. He was like an animal protecting his prey. I was his prey. His sexual predator has stripped away my innocence. I lost my virginity to him. I lost my trust in people, especially men. I have become more fearful of being found out because he has instilled a fear in me that this is all my “fault”. He has managed to use me as an object of his sexual whims. He has thought he had gotten away with this crime of destroying my self-worth as a woman. He has destroyed my self-esteem as a human being. He has taken away the true beauty of sex that was to be shared with someone with whom I would truly love. All that was gone. I have hidden away in my room to be away from him. I have withdrawn from the many people that I’ve trusted before. Jimmy has taken away the trust that I had in my mother. He had put the idea in my head that my mother would never believe me.
So my mind went into the tailspin as I have endured this “hell”. I have suffered dearly for this. My step-father, Jimmy, has treated me as a pawn and has told me how worthless I’d be if I didn’t satisfy him. He has abused me mentally and emotionally by using my disabilities against me and in order for me to gain any favors out of him, I had to have sex with him. That was his way of controlling me. He could have physically abused me if I hadn’t succumbed to his sadistic whims. He was so sadistic! There was no way around it. Year after year, I have told him to stop, and he had promised to stop. But he never did stop. He had tricked me time and again by saying, “Only one more time, and I’m done.”, and he would do it over again. He’d start this vicious cycle many times just to keep me trapped in his grip. He cannot seem or not willing to let go of me. I have felt deep down that I would never escape the mental and emotional torture from this diabolical sexual predator. I have thought that I would never be able to escape his clutches and never be married. I have lost the desire for true love and the trust in a man who would respect me for who I am as a woman and a person, and not view me as an object. Of all these times; from within me, I have screamed and yelled, “God, where are You when I need You?!”
There was a light at the end of the tunnel; One time in 1982, I was invited to the Fellowship dinner with my school bus driver friend and his friends and relatives. I did not know that the Cosmic Guidance would be with me through this trial. So I was curious and had wanted to know more about Him. You know? As I am writing this; I did not know that Yeshua has been drawing me to this fellowship dinner to be with me throughout the “Hell” that I was enduring. I realize now that He has endured all this on the stake. Anyway; when I asked questions about Yah and how He would help me and heal me. Then, I have decided to ask Him to help me through this.
So it has taken another four years that I heard the Higher Power say, “Enough, my child. I am setting You free.” He has done this by leading me to someone whom I could trust and it was my Aunt Christina who has experienced the same “hell” that I’ve been going through. So my barrier of distrust, fear and hate has fallen apart as I have finally divulged of this “hellish” secret to Aunt Bea. So it was the beginning of the end of the mental, emotional, and sexual abuses, and the after-affects of each. I was really bottoming out!! Of course, I had murder on my mind…
So I have endured such a “hell” that some people have not realize that I was in trouble for a long time. I have screamed for help and no one heard me for over ten long hellish years. I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost trust, I’ve lost my self-esteem, and I’ve lost my innocence as a child. I did not have a “normal” teen-aged life. I have hidden my true hurts and fears behind the facade of just what a teenager was supposed to be. No one has realized how trouble I was behind this barrier that I have erect around me to hide my real fears and pain. So some would say that I have led a double-life, or I could have been sort of an eccentric. Yes, I did to a point out of fear of family reprisals, being shunned by men as damaged good, and friends seeing me as an outcast. I have already been an outcast. I have retreated to my fantasy world in order to escape the everyday pain of mental, emotional and sexual abuse. I have endured these pains for ten long years. Yes, I have thought of suicide, and I have attempted it through dreams. I know that I did not succeed because I realized that it was the permanent end to the “hell” that I was facing…
So with the help of my family, revealing the truth has caused me to bring up the courage to call the cops to have Jimmy Michael Lane arrested on charges of sexual assault and battery on the minor, even though I was twenty-one at the time of the arrest. It was physically over in 1986.
I was not truly free from this mental and emotional torment till another seven years later when I have rededicated my life to the Cosmic Guidance. Yes, there was the aftermath that I have had to endure for the next seven years, which I will tell you more when I conclude this blog with the third installment. Even we have to learn to survive the after-affects of abuses. So much has changed since the arrest. I have undergone different changes in order to survive its after-affects. Yes, I have become bitter and angry as I have grown to realize what an atrocity that man has caused. He has caused such heinous acts against humanity. I have learned so much later there are more sexual predators running amok on this earth destroying lives, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually.
So with the conclusion of the third installment of the blog; I will testify of my survival with bitterness, hate, and anger. I also had to endure the mental problems of self-guilt and many maladies, and my being set totally free by the healing power of Cosmic Guidance. And, that He was (and is) bringing back my childhood.
I pray that this will encourage you as I have walked you through the pits of “hell”. I pray that the Higher Power with carry you through your hurts and your pains. You are not alone in all this. I see myself in your shoes as well as I’ve endured my “hell”. And you see yourselves in my shoes as you are supporting and encouraging me to lift up my chin. I pray that we be lifted up together arm-in-arms as the kindred, and to be healed as we share our tears together. As painful as it may seem, I pray that this testament will allow others to come forward and stand up for ourselves as the women and young girls holding hands together in to draw strength from each other. We are not alone in all this. We are here together as one Higher Power who lifts us up from the ashes to create beautiful human beings in His Image. We draw strength from the Cosmic Guidance We are the apples of His Eyes. I pray that this will continue to carry you on in strength to break the silence. We can break the silence.
May His Peace be with you and take care. Coming soon, the third installment…
For more information: http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline
Collective Thoughts Of My Journey 