National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE (or find a local crisis hotline number in your phone book).
Warning; the content in these blog entries may contain sensitive information.
I have gone to “Hell” and I have survived it. So these three-part blog entries will be the most difficult blogs for me to compose. I may be doing this blog in installment depending on the details of the testimony and how God will lead to write. I want to write this blog in order to break the silence that I have endured for many, many years. Yes, I was able to share this testimony with only a few people in the Inter-Relay Chat that I was being led to help in teaching me ways to break this silence. So here goes…. I am hoping that any woman (or man) will be encouraged to also break their silence. That silence hurts and isolates. That silence hides and kills. Well, this is one of the ways that we must break this cycle, and it is by reaching out to those who are really hurting and to encourage them to break the silence.
I have not been able to tell this secret to anyone for fear that I was a damaged good, and that no one loves me for who I am. So now, I know with the Higher Power’s help in teaching me to break this silence through Inter-Relay Chat Network and the various rooms within it. Now that a few people especially women were also encouraged to break their silence. We had no way of sharing this testimony if it were for the Cosmic Guidance’s leading us to the Inter-Relay Chat Network, which has those people who would minister to those who were hurting and scared because of this silence that they have a terrible secret to hide from the world and that it’s none of the world’s business that they’d be hurt and abused.
It all began when I was leaving from the 2-week summer camp in 1976. It was also my first camp year. I grew up in the single-parent household as a fairly normal childhood even though I was bullied by peers. I was a late-bloomer to learn many things because I was previously been transferred out of the school for the mentally challenged kids into the regular elementary school’s special education class. My childhood was good and innocent. I have played like most normal kids. Seems that everything was A-OK with me. I have a Mom, a grandma and granddaddy. I love all my family. Those first 11 years was so innocent! I have no idea that there is the “Hell” that I would go through. I have never known of my family’s deep dark secrets. I never knew what would become of me in the future. You could say that I was so naïve. It was that naiveté that has blinded me from all those “Hellish” things.
You see? I was born with Congenital Rubella Syndrome, a form of birth defect since my mother has contracted German measles during her first 3 months pregnancy with me. I was born with severe hearing disability and blind in both eyes. I later had eye surgeries to restore sights in both of my eyes (It’s Cosmic Power’s allowing me to have vision and He has healed me of this blindness). So I was placed in the school for the mentally challenged kids since no one realized that I was severely hearing impaired. The many professionals have thought that I was mentally challenged. If it weren’t for my mother’s determination and repeated efforts to have me tested for hearing deficiencies; I would not be here blogging about this. So this is one of the reasons why I am writing this just to show how one can take advantage of another’s weakness. So my disabilities are one of the reasons why a predator has used against me.
First, my naiveté, then, my disabilities, were used against me in a diabolical way. Any part of your personality or your weakness can be used against you. Most predators are calculating and diabolical in their own way to take away that innocence. Trust, is another thing that any predator can use against you. That has been used against me as well. You see? I have trusted a lot of people in my family and I never knew of my family’s awful secrets that they have hidden from me. If they had told me to watch out for these type of predatory behaviors by those men, I would have been prepared for this and been able to stop this “Hell” long time ago. My trust was so genuine, and free that I have no care in the world. I like to help people and to fit in with friends for I did not have any friends, not even close ones.
During the first 11 years of my childhood; I was able to trust everyone for who they are and I never knew of their secrets especially the sexual predators that hides their diabolical plans to destroy my innocence, my trust and my self-esteem (or self-worth). You see? I saw myself as a young girl with little or no friends and who is easy-to-get-along with. Isolation, is another key that the predator has used against me to keep me away from telling my friends or to share something that I needed to share. Then, fear and guilt are 2 more keys that this sexual predator has used against me in order to isolate me. You see? He has used taken away my trust in people and has used those guilt-trips to trap into believing that it is (and has been) all my fault for causing this “Hell”.
So, yes, I was brain-washed for many years afterwards. And I was very bitter and angry because of this “Hell” that this sexual predator has brought onto me. So now, I am about to tell you about the “Hell” that I have been going through. You see? None of this “Hell” is my fault!!! And, neither should you feel that your “Hell” be your fault. It is not all your fault. This “False-guilt” has been a biggest lie from the pit of Hell, I meant the real Hell. That is another thing that the predator had planned to destroy you (or me) with, … false-guilt. Now, I am no longer the brain-washed wretched victim of the sexual molestation. I am now a survivor!!
Just after I was leaving the cabin with the several bags of luggage; my mother has met me and helped me put all the luggage into the car. Then, I noticed this strange man that she had brought with her. I remember how he’d looked as plain as this day, he was wearing khaki short with white T-shirt and sandals, and on his head was a red short-brimmed beret-styled cap. He also had dark long hair with moustache with a goatee. He looked very young for my mother to even hang out with let alone have him as a boyfriend. He was actually 19! When she met him. You see? I have no idea that she has had such poor tastes in men when it came to dating or courting somebody. Anyway; I have no idea that this guy would be a sexual predator. I tell you! I was blinded. I have really thought this man was just another friend that she’d hung out with on different occasions.
So then, we all got into the car before she drive it out of the camp grounds of Lion’s Camp in Lake Whales, Florida. Soon after, I’ve recounted all the events that have taken place during the 2-week stay at the Lion’s Camp. To me; 2-week was a long time. Yes, I’ve made acquaintances but no friends. Only about 2 or 3 campers have followed along with me about ten years later.
So that was my year at Lion’s Camp, Yes, I’ve had fun with a lot of kids. So when I got home afterward; it has not been long that my innocent life was destroyed. I was longer the innocent child since then… So the innocence of my childhood has died.
So this concludes the first installment of my testimony of “Hell” and Back. I was to tell you more of this as I come along with the Higher Power’s help. He knows that we’re all hurting because an innocent childhood was gone. So I am using this as a sort of a therapy to let go all the hurts and the “Hell” that has been wrought upon me, and it has affected the many members of my family whether it’s physical, emotional and/or mentally.
So I will see you later and you take care as you’re being encouraged to break this silence. I am about to break this silence when I write the next 2 installments. So hang on and you will need Kleenexes.
For more information: http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline
Collective Thoughts Of My Journey 